


Calamitous, Insurmountable, Grief

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27165275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Erin receives a letter from her daughter, telling her that not only will she not be able to come visit that summer, but she also, accidentally, told Alex Blake that she was still alive. And somehow, Erin knows that her life is about to change once more.
Relationships: Alex Blake/Erin Strauss
Kudos: 4





	Calamitous, Insurmountable, Grief

Erin had spent the last eight years in Grasmere, ever since she had been forced to go into WitSec without being able to bring anyone with her. She knew that the extra precautions were a result of what had happened to Agent Hotchner's family, but it had still hurt to know that while her children had known she was safe, she couldn't bring them with her. And so, she had made the outlandish request that she be allowed to return home to England when she assumed her new identity. If she was going to make a clean break with her former life, she had wanted to be as far away from said life as possible. To her shock, that request had been accommodated, and two weeks after her funeral, after her children had been told that while she was alive, she needed to go into protective custody to make certain that everything had been dealt with in regards to John Curtis, she had found herself on a plane bound for England using the name Erin Teesdale.

The years had passed by more quickly than she had thought they would, especially when her children had finally been allowed to know where she was, and had been to visit her twice in the last two years. But she still found herself with a lingering sense of grief and displacement as she had sought to fit in as unobtrusively as possible. Her accent had returned quickly enough, even though she had left the country when she was young, and that helped her to blend in with the local populace more. And having access to her pension allowed her to live there without having to worry about having a job and interacting more with people who might say the wrong thing to the wrong person. But that, in turn, had been such a lonely experience, leading to her deepening well of grief.

Letting out a sigh of longing, Erin stood up from her garden, picking up her basket of cut flowers and heading back into her house, quickly arranging the blossoms into a bright bouquet which she put on her kitchen table before heading to the front door and picking up the mail from the floor. Flipping through the envelopes, a soft smile crossed her lips to see that she had received a letter from her youngest child. Heading back into the kitchen, she started a kettle of water to boil so that she could have tea before taking a seat at the table and beginning to read what had been written.

_…I wish that I could come to Grasmere this year, Mama. But I am desperately trying to finish up my dissertation and Iris couldn't get the time off, and…I miss you so damn much. Writing letters helps stave off some of that loneliness, but I was really looking forward to seeing you again. And yes, before you write me back and ask, Dave is still with Krystall, even though we all know that she is completely wrong for him. But in other news, I ran into Alex Blake while doing some research at Harvard for said dissertation, and I accidentally let slip that you're still alive. And I can see your eyeroll even as I write these words, but it was totally accidental. I swear! She asked about how we all were doing, and before I remembered who I was talking to, I blurted out how sad I was that I wouldn't be able to visit you in England this year because of my grad work. I hope that this doesn't fuck things up for you, Mama, but it's been so long that I think you'd be all right. Anyway, I should get back to working on my paper, otherwise it will never be finished. Please, write back and tell me that you forgive me. I truly didn't mean to let this slip, I've just been so stressed. I love you, Mama. Your Tabby_

Erin allowed the letter to drop to the table as she tried to process what Tabitha had written. Alex knew she was alive and where she was. Somehow, she had a feeling that Tabitha had definitely mentioned the village she was living in, because that would be par for the course with her youngest child, and she just hadn't wanted to tell Erin as much. Shaking her head a little, she picked the letter back up and looked at the date on the top of the first page, seeing that it had been sent three weeks ago which meant that it was entirely possible that Alex was already on her way there. After all, they had left things in a rather nebulous place, and Alex was always one for closure, even if it was slamming a door in her face when she had been trying to make amends.

Knowing that she had gotten herself thoroughly worked up, Erin decided to pack a lunch and her book and hike out to the lake in order to curl up beneath her favorite tree and read in an effort to calm her racing thoughts. It didn't take long to get everything together in her pack, and then she was slipping on her Doc Martens before heading out the door and down to the lake, waving to a few of her neighbours as she went.

Finally, she was in her happy place, beneath her tree, and losing herself in her book as she ate the sandwich she had put together. "Why does it not surprise me to find you by the water, Erin?"

"Because I love the water," she replied absently without looking up from her page. She did pause when her brain finally recognized the voice addressing her was one she hadn't heard in a number of years. Dogearring her page, she closed the book and set it next to her on the grass as she looked up at the ghost from her past. "I was wondering if you'd be far behind Tabitha's letter."

Alex gave her a short smile before sinking down onto the grass in front of her. "I argued with myself if I should come or not. In the end, I knew that I needed closure." Erin chuckled as she patted the ground next to her, wanting Alex closer. "What's so funny?" she asked as she moved.

"The fact that I knew that would be the reason why you would come see me, if you came at all. I heard that you gave a beautiful elegy at my funeral."

Alex shrugged a little as she let her head drop onto Erin's shoulder, staring out at the lake as she sighed. "I thought that I had missed me chance to let my guard down and forgive you, to start again. I grieved your death for nearly a decade, and would have gone on mourning you if I hadn't run into Tabitha."

"I had my chance to start over, Alex. To wipe the slate clean of the words that John told me as he thought I was dying, how little he thought my life was worth, and come to a place where all the poets I loved as a child came. We had a holiday in Grasmere the year before we emigrated, and when I had the opportunity to choose where I'd come back to life, I went with home."

She didn't know why she felt like crying, but her breath caught in her throat as she pressed her lips together in an effort to hold the sob inside. "Have you ever talked about what happened to you that night?" Alex murmured quietly as she hesitantly slipped her hand over to rest on Erin's knee, her thumb stroking small circles against the fabric of her skirt as they fell quiet. Finally, Erin was unable to keep her tears inside, and she closed her eyes as she let them roll down her cheeks as she scooted closer to Alex, turning her body a little so that she wouldn't dislodge her head from her shoulder. "I'll take that as a no." Alex snaked her arm around Erin's shoulders as she tugged her closer, allowing Erin to rest her head on her chest as she began to cry harder.

She wasn't certain how long they sat like that, but eventually, it began to rain, and she pulled away from Alex to hurriedly shove her book into her bag before it was ruined. "Where are your bags?"

"I left them at your cottage. Your neighbor was kind enough to tell me where you put your spare key, so I unlocked the door and set them in the hall. It wouldn't have been right if I had let myself into your space any further, without being invited in." Alex pushed herself to her feet before helping Erin to stand. "I'm just surprised that you didn't bring an umbrella with you!"

"I can handle getting a little wet, my book cannot. Are you afraid of getting wet?"

Alex blushed a little as she shook her head, and Erin frowned a little before she understood the reason for her blush, and her own cheeks bloomed in embarrassment as she knocked her shoulder against Alex's before taking hold of her hand and tugging her down the path back to her cottage. "I can't help being a linguist!"

"Well, you could also not have your mind in the gutter, darling. We have a fair bit of talking to do before anything else can happen. Or rather, you probably have a lot of questions that will take me a lot of time to answer." She didn't look back at the woman to see if she had heard her or not, but from the way Alex's hand tightened around hers, she assumed that she had, and understood what she had been trying to get across.

Finally, she was fumbling with the lock and letting them into her cottage, both of them soaked to the skin by the gentle spring rain that steadily continued to fall outside. "I should probably dry off," Alex said offhandedly, and Erin nodded as she yanked off her boots, setting them on the mud tray before padding deeper into the hall, watching as Alex copied her, setting her shoes next to Erin's before straightening up and giving her a small smile.

"Follow me, I'll show you where you can put your bags and then you can change." Alex nodded, and Erin turned on her heel and wended her way through her cottage, up the stairs to the second floor and into her bedroom. "I'd let you use the guest room, but, well, I've been working on remodeling it for the children's visit later this year, but it looks like they're not coming. Which gives me more time to finish, but nowhere for you to sleep but in here. I'll take the sofa until you leave."

"No, Erin, I won't push you out of your room." Alex reached out to stroke her hair lightly. "And your bed looks large enough for both of us."

"I told you…"

"Sleeping is not inherently sexual."

She nodded as she stepped over to her closet and pulled out a fresh dress to change into, along with a dry underwear set from the dresser before turning around to see that Alex had already stripped down to her panties, and she tried not to stare too much as she clutched the clothes to her chest. "I, I'm going to go change in the bathroom," she mumbled as she brushed past the woman, shuddering a little in pleasure when her arm touched Alex's firm breasts. She could hear that sweet laughter she'd missed so much as she hurried from the room and into the bathroom next door, peeling off her blouse and skirt before taking a critical look at her reflection in the mirror, noticing that there were a few new wrinkles on her chest. Frowning a little, she stripped off the rest of her clothes and changed into the dry outfit, feeling all the better for that.

"You still take forever to change, Erin." She looked up to see Alex standing in the doorway, dressed in a thin sweater and skin tight jeans. "Though I can't say that this isn't lovely." Erin smiled as she shrugged, slipping past Alex once more to start down the stairs. "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen, I need to start a kettle for tea. We can't talk if I don't have something warm in my hands and mouth." She winced as soon as those words were out of her mouth, knowing that with the mood Alex was in, she would take them in entirely the wrong way. Shaking her head a little, Erin continued down to the kitchen, listening to Alex's footfalls behind her. "You're free to look through my tea chest, and choose what to drink this afternoon. Though I don't know how much talking we'll be doing now, you have to be thoroughly exhausted after a day of travel."

"Actually, I already planned for that, Erin. I flew into London two days ago, switched my body clock over yesterday, and then took the train up here this morning. Though I could use some lunch, as I'm feeling rather peckish."

"You're welcome to look through the kitchen to find something you'd like. I've already eaten."

Alex nodded as Erin began to boil water for their tea, pulling down two mugs to use. It was nice to watch the woman poke through her cupboards until she had pulled together a small meal, bringing it over to the table and starting to eat. "You don't have to stand there, Erin."

"I know." Letting out a soft sigh, she brought the mugs over to the table and placed the teabags Alex had chosen inside them to wait for the water. "All right, what's your first question for me?"

Alex took a bite out of her apple as she looked at Erin's face, chewing thoughtfully before swallowing. "I think that I have just one question, actually. Why didn't you ask me to join you here?"

Erin felt her jaw slacken a little as she gaped at Alex. "You, you were with James, and happy, and there was no way that I could selfishly ask you to follow me to a place this small. You deserve Boston, where you can teach and be in a buzz of activity, and with your love."

"He's not my love any longer. Though I might wish that we were still together, about two years after you left us, we started to fight. In another six months, it became clear our relationship was untenable, and we split as cleanly as we could. So, I guess you could say that I've been drifting for five years. Yes, I had my work, but I walked away from a job that fulfilled me in a way that teaching didn't, I had cut myself off from a good group of people because they all reminded me of a past filled with too much loss, and I was alone."

"I, I didn't know that. I assumed that after you left the BAU, that you'd settled happily down in Boston with James." Alex reached across the table, picking up Erin's hand and holding on tightly as she watched her face. "Are you certain that you have any other questions for me?"

Alex continued to eat for as she shook her head, and Erin frowned as she got up to remove the kettle from the burner on her stove, pouring the boiling water into their cups before setting it back on the stove and sitting back down at the table. "Besides your children, is Dave the only one who knows that you're still alive?"

A guilty flush colored her face as she nodded. "Yes. There were times when I wanted to reach out and have David tell everyone that I had gone into the Program, but then I remembered what happened to Haley, and I kept my mouth closed. Three years ago, when I could have come out of hiding to a few select friends, I did contact David, but he was with Krystall by then, and I just got the feeling that it would be pointless to try and rekindle anything with anyone. They'd all moved on, as had I, and how could I ask for entrance to their lives once more?"

She blinked back tears as she stared down into her mug, pulling out the teabag before adding a little milk and stirring it absently as she struggled not to cry again. "We all make promises that we're going to keep in touch, no matter how much distance separates us, and rarely does that happen. So I understand why you would feel that way. But I would have welcomed a note from you, even if it was written in the code we came up with in the Academy."

Erin smiled quickly as she wrapped her hands around her mug and looked up at Alex. "You still remember that?"

"And I still have all the notes we wrote to each other. I hated the fact that we had to write in code because of your parents and how they felt about a love like ours, but I knew that it would keep you happy, and that's all I wanted in those halcyon days."

All Erin could do was nod as she brought the mug to her lips and took a long sip of the brew. "So, now you're here. How long are you planning on staying?"

"I have six months before I have to leave the country. If, at the end of that time, we find that we're compatible, I still have to return to the US, but I can start applying for permanent residency, in order to be with you. I have nothing holding me to Boston, and can easily fly home to visit Scotty or my dad." Erin's eyes widened as she nodded, trying to tamp down the flicker of outrageous hope that was blooming in her chest at those words. "Here, where we don't have the baggage of our past, maybe I can find my muse once more, and finally write that book I told you about so long ago."

"That would be perfect, Lexie." Her old nickname for the woman slipped out before she could stop herself, but from the smile on Alex's lips, she knew that the woman didn't mind. "My life here is boring, just so you know. I tend to stick to myself, my garden, and my reading. Walks by the lake, up the mountains. Solitude has forged me into someone who can stand on her own two feet, without alcohol, without relying on others to help get her out of trouble. But I think that I could be ready to walk with you, if we don't kill each other in the six months that you're here."

The sharp bark of laughter that Alex let out sent another wave of happiness washing over her heart. "I don't think that we have to worry about that. If we were going to go after each other's throats, I think that it would have happened when I found you by the lake."

"This is still the honeymoon phase of things, Lexie. There's always room for it to change."

The other woman gave a small shrug as she finished eating. "I suppose that you have a point, Erin. All right, since it's still raining, how about we curl up in the living room, maybe with a fire going in the fireplace?"

"I should have known that you'd want that," she replied as she pushed away from the table and picked up her mug. "Follow me." Alex nodded and then Erin left the kitchen, heading out to her living room and setting the mug on the coffee table before kneeling in front of the hearth and starting the fire that Alex had asked for. When she turned around, she found that Alex was already curled up on the small sofa, and she shook her head a little as she came over to her side and joined her there. "You're in my spot."

"I know, that's why I chose to sit here."

"Ah, yes, I'd forgotten this side of you." Alex reached out and smacked her shoulder lightly before pulling her close to her chest. As soon as she was prone, Erin rested her ear between Alex's breasts and listened to her heart. "Oh, god, Lexie, I've missed this," she whispered as the woman's arm closed around her waist, her thumb rubbing up and down as they listened to the rain fall and the fire crackle. Time seemed to slow to a comfortable crawl and Erin found herself relaxing more and more as she reacquainted herself with the glorious sensation of being in Alex's embrace. It wasn't long before she felt Alex contort her neck so that she could press soft kisses to the top of Erin's head.

Those light kisses shifted into something a little more heated as Alex slid her hand upwards to cup Erin's breast, her thumb brushing against her nipple in an almost lazy fashion. A small groan tumbled from her lips as she arched up into the touches, craving more from the woman. "We weren't going to do this right away," Alex teased as used her free hand to tug down the zipper of Erin's dress.

"Well, I always reserve the right to change my mind. Don't you remember that about me?"

"I do seem to recall that, yes. But if we're going to continue this, we really should head back up to the bedroom. Neither of us are young enough to make love on the sofa or the floor any longer." Erin nodded as she slipped off the sofa, dampening the fire so that it wouldn't cause any trouble while they spent an hour or two upstairs, holding the neckline of her dress against her chest with one hand. Alex chuckled lowly as she came up behind her, pressing kisses along her spine before nipping at her neck. "You taste like I remember."

"That's all well and good, but I haven't had the opportunity to taste you and see if you're still as sweet as I recall." Standing up, she turned and tilted her head to one side as she focused her gaze on Alex's lips, watching the woman's tongue dart out to lick them in anticipation. That was the only invitation Erin needed before she closed the scant distance between them and pressed a soft kiss against them. "Umm, I think that I'll have to explore a little further before I can say one way or the other," she teased as she danced away from Alex and left the room, lightly tripping up the stairs before heading into her bedroom and shimmying out of her dress, draping it over the trunk at the end of the bed before stretching out on the mattress.

Alex was quick to join her, and she smiled when the woman peeled off her sweater and dropped it on top of her dress before stripping off the jeans and adding them to the pile. "Scoot over, Erin."

"I suppose," she said with a small pout, making room on the bed for Alex. It was nice to have another warm figure on the bed, and she reached out to run her hand up and down Alex's side, relearning the curves she had once known so well. It was so easy to let her nails lightly scratch along the woman's stretch marks, watching her shiver a little at the movement. "You're still so beautiful."

"So are you." Alex moved closer to Erin, kissing her deeply as she unclasped her bra and pulled it off her arms. "There's just something about you that calls out to be touched and loved on."

Erin nodded as Alex began to pepper gentle, soft, kisses along the planes of her face. There was something so sweet about the tender exploration, and she sighed as she gave herself up to the pleasure the woman was giving her. It was so easy to let Alex flip her onto her back as she continued to kiss her flesh, the languid kisses slowly stoking a fire in Erin that she had missed for far too long. "There hasn't been anyone since I left America. Not even a random hookup from the pub." She didn't know why she was spilling that secret to her in that moment, but it felt right, and from the smile she received, Erin knew that Alex understood.

"There hasn't been anyone since James left, either." Reaching up, Alex drew her fingers through Erin's hair, before kissing her tenderly once more. "But enough talk about the past, we're going to focus on our future, yes?"

"Yes," she sighed out as Alex began to place openmouthed kisses down the column of her neck. The sigh slipped into a little coo as Alex fluttered her tongue against her pulse point. "Oh, Lexie," she groaned as the woman dragged her lips further downwards, pressing a quick kiss to her nipples in turn before running her tongue beneath the curve of Erin's breasts. It was a move that had always caused her desire to run up into overdrive, and Erin gasped as she parted her legs and allowed Alex to fit herself between them as she continued to kiss her way down to Erin's vulva.

"You had a c-section," Alex said before kissing that now white scar.

"Tabitha was a difficult birth, but a perfect baby." The woman nodded before continuing to worship that mark. There was something so sweet about the way Alex traced the mark with her tongue, as if she was memorizing some line of poetry that Erin had never been able to learn, not knowing the language it was written in. "Alex?"

"Yes?" the woman asked as she looked up at her from between her thighs, and all doubt about falling into bed with Alex so soon after having her arrive.

"Thank you for coming?"

Alex gave her a small wink and nod before turning her head and pressing soft kisses to the tender skin of her thigh. "Oh, I have the feeling that you'll be thanking me for helping you to come soon enough, darling." Those slightly dirty words turned Erin on all the more, and she shifted her hips in an effort to get Alex to pay attention to her. "I would have thought that in the years between us, you would have learned some patience."

A low whine tumbled from her lips as she twisted her hips a little more, her hands reaching down to ghost against Alex's head, trying to let her know how badly she wanted to feel her. Instead, Alex turned her head and kissed Erin's other thigh, drawing something there with her tongue. "I swear, by all that is holy, Alexandra, if you are writing out the IPA with your tongue on my thigh and not where I would enjoy that sensation more, I might just scream in frustration."

"We wouldn't want that, Erin," Alex purred out before pressing a line of kisses up her thigh before kissing her labia sweetly. Before she could help herself, Erin lifted her hips in an effort to get closer to those intoxicating lips. "You still taste delicious," Alex said before lapping at her core, and Erin bit her lower lip as she dug a hand into her hair. Everything that surrounded Erin seemed to lose all importance as her attention focused in on the way Alex's lips and tongue felt against her clit and entrance. A soft gasp escaped her as she spread her legs a little wider, encouraging Alex to taste her more fully, but Alex continued to take her time in tasting her, and she shuddered a little as sensation after sweet sensation continued to assail her senses, suddenly understanding that this wasn't going to be a quick and dirty fuck, but rather, a communing of souls.

Erin sighed softly as she allowed her body to melt into the mattress, finally allowing Alex to have full control over where this was leading, knowing that they would both be all the better pleasured for it. The quiet sounds that she made seemed to encourage Alex even more, and she continued to eat her out as if she was savoring everything about Erin. There was something so beautiful about this moment, and she started to cry as she gave herself over to Alex, the pleasure overwhelming her senses as her orgasm unexpectedly stole over her. She tightened her thighs around Alex's head as Alex continued to pleasure her, extending the orgasm out far longer than she had ever experienced.

Panting, Erin collapsed back onto the mattress, a tired smile spreading across her face as she felt Alex slide up her body, her arms closing around Erin's waist as they began to exchange slow, sweet, kisses. "Now you can taste what I taste, Erin," Alex murmured against her lips, and she nodded as she contorted her foot to grab the top sheet and pull it up enough so that she could cover them both with it as she felt sleep start to steal over her senses. "Are you really going to sleep on me already?"

"You wore me out, what can I say?" she teased, smiling when Alex started to stroke the skin of her torso. "Plus, we were emotional, and that always has a tiring effect on me. I'd forgotten how good sex is with you."

Alex chuckled as she nodded before kissing her once more. "And I'd forgotten how much I loved bringing you to orgasm. Feeling the way your thighs hold on to my head almost like a vise as you reach that pinnacle was a vague memory brought back to life for me." She nodded a little as she snuggled closer to Alex, tightening her arms around the woman's waist as she let out a deep breath of contentment. "And then these moments, where we just held each other as peace settled around our bodies as we recovered from really great sex, they were always…"

"Heavenly?" she asked, and Alex nodded. "If my parents hadn't been so backwards, if I had had the courage to defy that, we could have had decades together, instead of months."

"But then we wouldn't have had our children, and I might have never known that you were still alive and how to find you again." Alex kissed her nose quickly. "I'm glad that we're still physically compatible."

"I never doubted that, Alex. I just knew that we couldn't make it work, not after what I did to you during the Amerithrax case. Yes, I know that we were both married by that point, but a tiny part of my heart held onto the stupid hope that there could be a chance for us if society changed, if my parents changed. Who knew that it would take a calamitous, insurmountable, grief to drive me to England and then have you chase after me, to bring my life back to me." Reaching up, she caressed Alex's cheek before kissing her deeply. "Oh, I want to tell you so much about everything that we missed out on during the dark years of my idiocy."

"There will be time for that in the next six months, I promise. Right now, though, I just want to hold onto you and remind myself that you're alive and in my arms, and that we're going to start anew. It won't be an entirely clean slate, we've learned too much in the intervening years about ourselves and what love and duty truly are to try and pretend that didn't happen. But we can use those experiences to help build a strong future for us. If that's what we want."

"It's what I want, now that I know it's a possibility for us," she said hurriedly before burying her face in Alex's thick hair, not wanting to see the expression on her face. But from the way that Alex stroked her hair lightly, she knew that the woman understood and maybe agreed.

"You know, those mountains surrounding the lake seem like the perfect place to get away and cry. It would be nice to have a physical place to let out my emotions. Give me two weeks, and then we can start thinking about how to get me over here forever." And then, Alex was kissing her head lightly, and Erin nodded as she burrowed closer to her lover, wanting these moments to last forever.


End file.
